My life before my transformation

I was such an insightful, loving, carefree little girl! I had a vivid imagination, I loved dreaming and pretending and playing, and could do so for hours on end. I had a huge heart that was full of love, curiosity, gentleness and a natural ability to connect to all the things I knew and loved. I spoke to animals, I was careful with flowers, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed, called them by name and kissed them goodnight.

 

That's just the way life was for me: innocent, pure, and joyful, and teeming with life.

 

Until it happened

My older brother was hit by a car and killed,

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And all of sudden, in a single moment in time, everything changed.

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My whole world froze, my psyche seized, my giant loving spirit leapt back in horror and pain as though it just got struck by lightning. My 10-year-old self didn't know how to process the shock, and it caused me to splinter and split off from my most pure and tender Self. In a single moment in time, everything turned inside out, and to cope with it, I had to abandon everything that once felt innocent, playful and safe. When Matt died, so did a part of me.

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Disconnected from my inner truth, I became hollow. It was like I just waited to be filled by something that made sense, or offered hope of feeling whole again. Society's voice grew louder, and began to dictate who I should be, what I should look like, and how I should behave. I was desperate for a sense of belonging and safety, so I latched on and started to mold myself to fit the roles that promised acceptance and love.

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I became a chameleon, adapting to the needs and desires of others, always seeking their approval while silencing my own. I pursued validation through my appearance and being likeable, believing if I could just be good enough then I would find the love and wholeness I craved. Little did I know that by abandoning myself to meet external expectations, I was only widening the chasm between my authentic self and the persona I had created.

 

My patterns of coping

This decision that I made at 10 years old - to no longer connect inwardly but instead, look outside of myself for a sense of safety and connection, led to decades of emptiness; always seeking it but never finding it. From shrinking myself to pleasing others (because then maybe just maybe everything would remain "certain"), to seeking breadcrumbs of love through reckless and abusive relationships, to trying to numb through drug addiction, then finally trying to "win" myself back through competitive triathlons, I fooled myself into thinking that if I just tried harder, I would finally feel better. But all I truly desired was to feel at home in my own being again.

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I wanted to Return back to my Self, but did not know how.

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I sought help through rehab, counseling, books, journaling, prayer, and processing life events with friends. While I gained valuable insights and intellectual knowledge about my life, I still felt disconnected from my Highest Self - the True Me I longed to access. Despite the progress I made, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was meant for more; that there was a deeper connection waiting to be discovered.

 

Can you relate to feeling like you are made for more?

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The crashing point

In June 2013, at the age of 38, two life-altering events converged, forcing me to confront the pain I had suppressed for too long. First, the stress I had disassociated from manifested as leaky gut, stripping me of the vices I used to escape. My body became a mirror, reflecting the emotional turmoil I had buried deep inside. I was reacting to everything around me—foods, chemicals, even the slightest changes in the barometric pressure. It was as if my body was screaming, "You can't run and hide anymore!"

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The second event was the loss of my hair. As I watched clumps of my once long hair fall to the floor, I realized that I could no longer hide behind trying to look a certain way to feel validated. My baldness exposed the vulnerability I had long denied, forcing me to confront the belief that my worth was tied to my appearance and my ability to meet societal expectations.

 

Sister, have you ever felt like you needed to be perfect, to perform, to please others to feel worthy?

 

The second event was going bald. I vividly remember running my fingers through my hair and staring at the clumps that fell out and on to the floor. It was almost like each strand was a haunting reminder that this was my waking reality and not just a nightmare. As I watched my hair go down the drain, it symbolized the shedding of everything I once believed about myself. Because I had cut off from myself as a little girl, I ultimately created an identity that sought worth as a woman through my physical appearance, my ability to uphold societal expectations, and my value in "being so strong" despite the deep loneliness. 

 

Imagine being stripped of your defense; your last resort that made you feel safe and secure. For me, I was like, hey, I might be in deep tremendous pain at a soul level but nobody will know it because at least I can act like I'm okay and, btw, look at my great hair! Except during this time, as I watched the façade of who I thought I needed to be disintegrate in the mirror, shaking to my core as I faced the fear of the unknown, I realized I was stripped of everything I once believed protected me.

 

Body shutting down.

Bald.

Exposed.

Vulnerable to the world.

Nowhere to hide. 

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It was in this moment

 

I realized I had a choice: to continue abandoning myself or to begin the journey back to my True Self

 

**I’ll mention that I also was being witnessed by my four young daughters and every other girl in the neighborhood I was lovingly connected with, which helped me to choose ME. While at first I did it for them, it eventually became my own.

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The experience of RELEASING control

In the midst of my despair, a profound truth dawned on me in a yoga class: I was still alive, still breathing, even as I was stripped of all the ways I had sought to prove my worth. I discovered that within my own body, I had the power to slow down, ground myself, and breathe. I realized that the fear of being consumed by my emotions was a belief I had carried since childhood, and one that no longer served me. I began to release the grip of control and surrendered to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, if I could just find my Self again, then I would be OK. And it was through finally learning how to turn back towards my Self that my wisdom, insight and Truth came through - that to Return to me was the way I could reclaim my wholeness.

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This realization opened up a world of possibilities. Sister, I invite you to consider this:

 

What would open up for you if you no longer had to prove, please, protect, perform, perfect or pretend?

What if, instead, you could safely turn back towards your authentic Self, your innate wisdom,

and your true purpose?

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The Truth I RECEIVED

The truth that dawned on me was a revelation: I was actually okay. I didn't die when I was stripped of all the ways I was hiding and striving to secure my worth and place in this world!  I discovered that I was safe, capable, and resourced enough within my own body to slow down, ground myself, and breathe. And, that when I am embodied, I have access to an innate power that I forgot that I had as a child. For so long, I had feared that being present in my body and holding space for my emotions would lead to emotional and psychological devastation. However, in that pivotal moment, I realized that I no longer needed to run, hide, strive, or prove myself anymore. The threat of being consumed by my feelings was an assumption I had made when I was 10 - a belief that had taken root in my mind as a little girl trying to cope with trauma. 

 

And then I started to ask myself that if this wasn’t true for me anymore and therefore no longer needed to run or hide or shame my feelings away, what was possible? What does this open up for me to discover?

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What would open up for YOU if you no longer had to prove, please, protect,

perfom, perfect or pretend?

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My RISE energy

As I embarked on my transformation, I chose to embrace a new RISE identity and energy of Being - one of embodiment, groundedness, and a newfound Truth. I cultivated an energy of stillness and presence, dropping into myself with unshakeable integrity in my life, body, and spirit. I leaned into my faith like never before. I started listening to the wisdom and intuition of my body. With boldness and conviction, I reclaimed my power from the hands of others and of society, and played around with deciding for myself that I have inherent worth and value. I recalled my unique set of core values and began living them out with great intention in every aspect of my life. I allowed energy to move through me by creatively expressing myself, and I surrounded myself with people who loved and uplifted me.

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The Rooted Woman

My life's journey has been a divine preparation for the birth of The Rooted Woman Collective. Over a decade ago, I unknowingly created a framework that allowed me to transform in profound and sustainable ways, and it is now my mission to guide other women on their own path to becoming deeply rooted in their authentic selves.

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The life I am living now

Don’t get me wrong, transformation doesn't magically make life easy - challenges and obstacles still happen in my life, and plenty of times and in plenty of ways my nervous system gets overwhelmed. And, I continue to transform, because we are complex beings. I certainly developed several patterns and beliefs throughout my life, and each time I find that I bump up against something, I welcome the Work of transformation because I KNOW that wisdom is right on the other side. So, life still happens. I still get upset and distressed and even destabilized at times; however, the difference lies in how I respond. Instead of turning away from difficulties - even trauma - I now turn within and towards the Radiant, Torch Bearing, Alchemist who loves to dream, love and connect. I turn back towards ME. This inner connection is the foundation of my strength, peace, and purpose. It is my True Nature.

 

What about you?

Are you longing to permanently transform the limiting beliefs,

patterns and self-abandonment

that have kept you disconnected from your True Self,

I invite you to join me on this transformative journey. 

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As a certified transformational coach, I am dedicated to helping you cultivate the same groundedness, embodiment, and unshakeable truth that have transformed my own life. Together, we will transform your Coping Dilemma, identify your Soul Identity Profile, and create a life that authentically reflects the powerful, Rooted Woman you are meant to be. Take the first step towards your own transformation by reaching out to me today, and let us walk this path of self-discovery together - one that I have so intimately walked.